My How Things Change

It's weird what can happen to a person over a year. Heck over a few months. 

All my life I have been a very passionate person. At times I felt like I had all of this passion inside of me waiting to be used and I had no idea how to direct it.

At times it has gotten me into trouble, other times I got into huge arguments.

I was/am passionate about a lot of things: my country, the military, my family, my faith, my friends, etc.  I love learning, reading, writing, the arts, music, politics, etc. What I believe in, what I love is what I am passionate about.

I realize though you can't live 24/7 with this passion going on. This may sound strange to some of you, but imagine if you are the Energizer Bunny with a Solar Battery that is constantly being charged and going on and on and on...

You get the idea.

You can't live life like it is a constant battle. Like you are taking on the next challenge. Many will probably disagree with me and that's fine with me. I understand, I used to be that passionate. But eventually you have to realize that if you keep going down that route, you will burn out.

I realized it these past few months. I am full of life and love to live life, but I know people who always seem to be "on."  It seems they never take time to relax or sit back and enjoy life.  No, to them life is a constant battle and one must always live with Passion 24/7, night and day, awake or asleep. That's exhausting.

Why?

What is wrong with taking time with life? What is wrong with having free time? These people seem to need to feel every waking minute of there day learning something, doing something, etc.  Don't they want to have time to relax, to be at peace, to think about the fun stuff of life, etc...

Why must it be this constant battle where everything must always get fixed, where we must always focus on an injustice or something that is terrible and evil and wrong? Why do we constantly have to fill every moment of our lives to the point where we are exhausted?

Is it bad to look at the fun little silly things that are going on in life? Why is it considered "degrading oneself" to  love fashion or sport for example? Why must we be wary of those that are different in thought than us?

I finally got an answer after 2 months.

They don't want to face themselves.  It sounds crazy, but it's true.  When we fill up our lives with constant activity, we don't take time for ourselves and we don't take time to examine ourselves. We need that time for ourselves to not only take care of our physical health, but our mental health especially. Sometimes people use all that activity and all that passion for fixing/changing problems they see in the world as a way to distract themselves from their own problems, their own issues. Hate to break it to you, that won't help you with yourself at the end of the day.

This semester although I have had a filled schedule, I forced myself to take some time for myself because of my health. I think it helped a lot too. I learned a lot about myself too and not only did I face the baggage I had, I faced my nasty, not so good side.

I'm not perfect. : /

After facing the the rest of the baggae (there was a little left) and coming to terms that at times I can be nasty and judgemental. It's hard facing tha truth.

Through discovering this, I dscovered some friends of mine were staying active, leanring, working, and fixing everything else but themselves. Some of them seem to live with this chip on their shoulder and they can't let it go because they don't know how to.

I know it's not easy, but it is very liberating and it helps a lot. Because of this discovery I feel a lot morrelaxed and at ease. It's a shame that those that I know are still trapped in the world were they have to escape from their problems.

Having passion is wonderful, more people need to have passion in their life. But to have it 24/7, although it sounds wonderful it is also time consuming and becomes very exhausting. Being able to relax and enjoy oneself is also a wonderful thing. 

Talking with Friends

So I'm trying to get away from talking about all the dead animals for a moment, for there hasn't been any new development.

This past week I have talked to 3 people on the phone, outside of my boyfriend. For me that is a record. No, it is not because my boyfriend is more important than my friends. The real reason is because I have never really had to call people on the phone to keep in contact with them.

Let me explain....

I have been through a lot. Yes, you have probably heard this from many people whose blogs you have read, but it is true. Before high school I didn't really have any close friends or people that I could trust. And when I did trust those few people, I would try to stay in touch with them, but they would never get back to me.

So as a result I had gotten used to not having friends, calling them, hanging out, etc. I am a little awkward when it comes to that. I will admit it. I hate admitting things, but it is the only way for me to get better.

Now ever since I have left high school and the 1st college I went to I miss my friends a lot. I really do. I have been afraid to call them though. The usual questions run through my mind:

• Do they want to talk to me?
• Do they still like me?
• Will they just ignore me?
• Are they upset at me about not calling me after so long?
• Do they think I'm weird?

And etc. The list goes on. So usually I have not called the people I used to talk to.

I was then inspired by one of my great friends, Leanne who had posted on here facebook that she had a little phobia of talking on the phone too! She doesn't know that I deal with it. She said that it is one of her new years resolutions that she is trying to overcome.

That has inspired me to add that to my new years resolutions as well.

I didn't have to call the 1st 2 people, they called me! They were my awesome friends from high school Jessica and Kathleen. I miss both of them and it was great to hear from them and talk to them. I tried calling one of my friends (this awesome girl has been leaving me messages say call her, so I wasn't too nervous about that) and I called her and her phone was acting up and her husband was home from boot camp for the weekend. I hope to hear from her today.

I then called my other friend Meredith, who I haven't talked to since August. I didn't get a hold of her. But she called me back yesterday which was really great.

There are many more people I want to call , but I'm nervous too. Some of them I have never really talked to them on the phone and yet I have there number. Others I was just friends in high school with them, but since I have left I haven't really talked to them, unless I bump into them.

So I don't know what to do. Should I call them, email them, send them a letter?

I am new to having to keep friendships because this is the first time I have had friends I want to keep in touch with.

If anyone has advice, please leave some comments. Thank you :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Wow, it is already thanksgiving. Not too long ago it was Halloween. As I get older, the years seem to go by faster, a part of me wants it all to slow down just so that I can ebjoy.

But at the same time I am very glad, because soon I will be done with my 1st full semester at Pellissippi State. Go me! It has been quite the challenge, but I am very glad that I went on and pushed through it.

Now this Thanksgiving I decided to do something I have never done before, really give thanks to all those in my life and why I am thankful.

Here it goes:

To...

• My Mother- she has always been there for me and listened to me and taught me how to deal with everything in life. She has taught me how to be a strong woman and have belief in myself.
• My Father- a strong man who taught me how to love my country and taught me to take pride in myself.
• My Brother, Sean- he taught me (and still is) teaching me patience. With him having autism, it is very hard and very frustrating. He also taught me to not judge, be afraid or uncomfortable with people who are different.
• My Grandma- she is such a hard worker and is always good for a laugh. She is very strong and has taught me a lot about where my family had come from. I'm so glad she lives with us.
• Amber- my dog, the biggest and most lovable ditz ever. She is hilarious and so insecure. But our family would not be complete without her.
• Christopher- my wonderful and amazing boyfriend, he has taught me so much that it would take a whole book to explain it all. But I will say is that he has brought a lot of laughter in my life, but also helped motivated me to become a better person for me, myself and no one else. That is the greatest gift he has given me.
• All my old friends- thank you. I have learned so much from all of you. Listening to all of you and learning from your lives has helped me appreciate my life more and taught me to look at life from another persons perspective. I hope that I will be able to hang out with you again soon.
• The random people I have met and haven't talked to since- although our encounters were brief, you have made and impact and taught me something as well. The lesson may have been small, it may have been big. The important thing is that you were at the right moment, at the right place, at the right time. Teaching me something new. Thank you
• Jessica- there have been many Jessica's in my life. My best friend from high school, and My big sister from Omega Phi Alpha are just a few. To My BFF from high school, thank you for all the wonderful times we had together, you were very optimistic, kind, passionate and very bubbly. You helped bring out the happy side in me. And to my big sister, you were so understanding, very awesome and you always helped me out, thank you. I know I haven't talked to both of you in a long time, but that changes now.
• Tanya- You are so sweet. I love your personality. I hope when I'm at your age, I'm still full of life, as kind, and as wonderful as you are. You were very helpful and so much fun to be with. Don't worry, you will see me again, you can't get rid of me.
• Meredith- I was so glad to have met you. There aren't many people I love, admire and respect and you are one of them. I know we haven't talked in a long time. But I remember all the times that we have spent together and they have made an impact on me. The next time I'm in town. Let's hang out and get some cake :D
• My cousins- I'm thankful that I have you. Although I don't know all of you as well as I would like, I still remember all the times we got together and it was so much fun. I would still nevertheless want to get to know all of you better and I hope that we could hang out and get to know each other even more.
• The rest of my extended family- the same goes to you as well. I'm thankful for all the cards and gifts you have sent me over the years, even though we don't always talk and see each other. I would love to spend time with all of you and get to know you better.
• Dr. Gray- an amazing Professor who has been so helpful to me this fall semester and so full of life. Her thirst for knowledge and desire to be a better person has inspired me greatly. Thank you
• Professor Rivers- who helped me speak out during class discussions and help me not stay in the background and taught me that yes my opinion matters too.
• Professor Byrd- who was so much fun and made literature very enjoyable. Which even though I am an English major, I have experienced teachers who were able to suck the life out of literature.
• My french Professor, Madame Gammon- thank you for your patience. Learning languages has always been hard for me. I had a speech problem when I was younger. So taking on French has been a challenge for me. But I appreciate the help and the enthusiasm that you exude. Thank you
• All the new friends I have made at Pellissippi- thank you for all the new memories that I have. I hope that I will be able to get to know all of you better.
• All the soldiers that are fighting and have fought- thank you, thank you, thank you. I honestly can't thank you enough for fighting for this country. It is a hard job and you go through more pain, hardship and struggle that most people would see in a lifetime. I'm proud of you, even if I don't know you. Keep up the good work, don't get discouraged, and have faith.
• The founding fathers and mothers of this country- I thank you for fighting for freedom, I thank you for making the sacrifices that you did. We can never truly understand that hardships that you went through. Do not worry, your sacrifice will not have been in vain. I will never forget.
• All those who do not like me- thank you too. You have taught me to ignore what you think of me, to not care about how you feel about me, and how to just live me life as though you were not there. And if I had to work with you, you have taught me how to show respect to others and to be kind and compassionate towards others, even if I did not receive it in return. Thank you.
• St. Joan of Arc- one of my biggest inspiration and someone who I hope to be like. She is a woman of strength, wisdom, and strong faith. She led an army of men and between the ages of 14-16. I thank her for all the times she has listened to me. She is like a friend that I wish to one day meet.
• God- For everything. My family, friends,me, my dog, boyfriend, and all of those in my life. For giving me strength when I needed it, listened to me and for every time he forgave me.
• Myself- Yes this one is very weird, but I am thankful for me too. I am thankful that I have become a better woman over the past 2 years. That I have become more motivated and that I have been working with more determination to reach my goals. That I have taken life by the reigns and took charge of it. I am thankful for what I was, for what I am now, and what I will become.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy the food, the family and most importantly have fun!

Busyness!!!

So I just noticed something while writing the title for this blog: busyness and business. This may have been obvious to others, but to me this is a revelation. There is a definite connection between the two. I wonder if business came from busyness???

Moving on though I have been very busy for quite some time, I have been studying my butt off for this class, reading other books, hanging with my friends, chillin with my boyfriend, and all the while improving myself and trying to go nuts :D.

I am so excited though, within two days I will be completly done with this class. So far in this class I have gotten 2 A's on 2 exams and I want to get that last A.

Besides that I am dealing with paperwork for Pelissippi and its been a total pain,everything from registration to financial needs. I won't be going back to UTC where I originally was going for quite some time. But I won't be able to because I have been ill for quite some time and my immune system sucks as a result.

I am getting better, but until I am back to my peak I am going to stay at home and go to school.

Either way I am very excited to be finished so that way I can relax a little bit before classes start for the fall.

My plans for the rest of the summer is excersie, write more, post more on this blog, read more, practice on my flute, and maybe even paint and draw. I'm pretty excited.

Friendship....Is it Real? A Dream?

"Don't Walk in Front of Me, I May Not Follow. Don't Walk Behind Me, I May Not Lead. Walk Beside Me and Be My Friend."

Friendship: the state of being friends

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I have always had wondered about friendships. Despite the fact that I do have some friends, I have a hard time believing whois my real friend and who is there out of convience. After all there are so many kinds of friends that existed:

• Those friends that you know through other friends


• Friends that you have in a club you are part of, but don't really spend time withoutside of the club


• Friends that you had since childhood
  
• Friends from high school


• Friends from college


• Friends from where you work


• Family friends


• Friendly Aquaintences


• Buisness friends


• On the surface friends


• Those people that you are once friends with, but through time you just lose touch
  

and last but not least

• The friend that's always there


• Me as my own friend
  

It's strange how there are different kind of friendships and friends. In my experience I have always found it hard to be able to differentiate. It has taken me many years to figure out true friends, to be honest I still have some trouble. Frankly, it has been hard for me to figure out whether or not I have friends.

For I have always been paranoid when it comes to opening myself up to other people, I won't go into details, but lets just say I was one of those kids that was severly mistreated and frequently betrayed by those who I thought were my friends. Well I did learn from my mistakes, but unfortunatly I kept running into the types of people who I thought were my friends, but really weren't. Heck I can write a book about the many types of people that you think are your friends, but really aren't.

So you can say that for many years and sometimes to this day, I have a little bit given up on the idea of friendship. You can say I'm not that kind of person that trusts people off the bat anymore. I am getting better though. It took till college for me to really believe this, the idea of friendship. The person that introduced me to this concept was my boyfriend. He really was able to show me that I can have friends and he was able to prove it. He was able to show that some of my sorority sisters are in fact really my friends. He was able to show that I can trust.

It still will be hard, I have been through a great deal. It has left many scars that you can say are still visible. Only through time will be I be able to accpet the idea tha friendship can become a reality, that it is more then a dream.